We think about the future when we make big decisions: buying a house, choosing a college, getting married, investing in a 401K. But do you ever contemplate that your everyday, seemingly insignificant actions might affect you later?
When you fall in love with someone, it is only natural that you share intimate details of your lives with each other. You tell him or her things that you might never have told anyone before. This sharing is part of what forges a relationship. I don't think you can have an intimate relationship without this sharing. But inevitably, (or 50% the time, according to divorce statistics) this person with whom you've shared your insides and outs becomes just a friend, or a distant memory, or worst case...................an enemy.
Do you ever consider that the person you love the most, could one day be the person who hurts you the most? It doesn't even have to be a lover; it might be a parent, or a sibling or even your best friend. The people that we allow to see into our hearts often, eventually, become the ones who throw arrows into our souls.
And sometimes, it's not a loved one, but a stranger. I feel disgust every time I look at those tabloids at the checkout counter of the market. How would you feel if your every move was on display for the entire world. How many of us have run to the gas stations barefoot, or accidentally dropped your child from the couch. I take for granted being able to wear my bikini in my back yard with no one noticing, but what if that wasn't the case? Lord knows I have my ugly days, and I sure wouldn't want it to be on the cover of a magazine!!
But what if, suddenly, your past actions came back to haunt you. What if your daily routine came into question. What if, decisions you made when you where 19 or 20 suddenly became important again. Perhaps you thought that DUI was long behind you. Or remember when the doctor prescribed you some Xanax after your mother passed away? Perhaps you thought that no one would ever find out that you used marijuana for a while in college. Those nude pics you took with your ex - you threw away the negatives - no one will ever see them. You'd almost forgotten about declaring bankruptcy 15 years ago. And that woman you had that affair with, one crazy night 5 years ago - no one ever knew.
You've forgiven yourself, you went to church and God forgave you - so it's over now, right? Well, what if it wasn't? What if it wasn't over? What if every mistake you ever made suddenly came back to bite you in the ass. Many of us anticipate a judgment day when we die, but what if your judgment day comes on earth?
Maybe you'll decide to run for political office, or you'll apply for a high-profile position with your company, or you'll find yourself in a custody battle for your children, or you'll be involved in a malpractice lawsuit. Quite likely, all your dirty laundry will be aired for the world to see. You will once again be held responsible for actions that you made years, perhaps decades ago. At this point, God might forgive you - but will society?
What gives us the right to put each other on trial like this? Haven't we all made errors in judgment? The only man I've ever heard of who lived a perfect life is Jesus. And he was even ridiculed for his lifestyle choices. How can we, as errant humans, judge others who err? Yet, our society lately seems to evolve around this constant criticism of others.
I challenge you, take just a moment to reflect on all the decisions you've made in your past. Are you proud of them all? Would you share them with your children? Would you publish them in a newspaper? Would you write about them here in a blog? If your answer is "no," to any one of your choices..........then please, remember this before you judge another. Especially if that person is, or was once a loved one.

This is one of those questions that I have pondered for nearly my entire life, but I've never really gotten an answer. Hopefully I don't offend anyone here....that's not my intent. My question is, what makes the Bible the ultimate religious reference?
Why is it more important that the Koran or the Gnostic Gospels or the Bhagavad Gita or the Torah or any number of other religious texts?
For example, it seems that homosexuality is on trial these days. There are about three verses in the Christian Bible that say it is a sin, but how did the Christian Bible become the only "expert witness" in this trial?
I don't dispute that the Bible comes from reputable sources. I realize that many events in the Bible can be historically proven. But why is this one compilation of the written word the "end all, be all" of literature.
"Thou shalt not kill".......agreed, I know that, but not just because my Sunday School teacher told me. Its in my human heart to know that. And I've been socialized to know that. People who have never touched a Bible know not to kill. Sure, there are plenty of murderers out there, but some of them have even been professed Christians! Some have even killed in the name of Christianity!! Oh horrors!!!!
"I am the way, the truth, and the light".....okay, Jesus might have actually spoken these words - but how do we know that this is true. Its not human instinct. We can't scientifically prove it. So what makes these 9 words so important? Why don't the words of Socrates or Schopenhauer or Bergsen hold such weight?
I just have trouble with some people's reasoning when they use the Bible to explain things. One might say, "I don't wear pants because the Bible says, a woman shall not wear that pertaining to a man." But again, my argument is, who says the Bible is the ultimate authority figure?
"'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.' (Leviticus 20:13) Why abide by the first part sentence and not the second? I don't see too many people killing homosexuals (thank goodness). Why do Christians get to pick and choose what parts of the Bible they "listen to?"
There are many verses in the Bible which Christians follow so closely they can sometimes be scary. Many of the verses serve good purpose as well. "Do not covet they neighbor's belongings", "love your neighbor as you love yourself," "He who walks with wise grow wise".....their are thousands of great verses which would serve anyone well to follow. But there are also some bizarre verses, which not too many people follow: "Do no work or even kindle a fire on the seventh day. Anyone who does so will be put to death" (too bad for us nurses, lets just shut down the hospital!). "Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array"; (Don't all the little old ladies wear their pearls to church on Sunday?)
If the Bible is such an important text to Christians, why do you get to pick and choose which parts you will follow and which ones you ignore? I'm just not clear on why the Bible is the "ultimate" religious, historical, spiritual, cultural reference book. Please attempt to enlighten me......................

This is an excerpt from my journal that I wrote the week my beloved grandfather died. I met my husband, Sam about a week later.....

Alright, I think I am officially depressed now. No, I'm sure its just PMS and fatigue. This has been a rough week! Papa died Tuesday. That's a simple statement for an un-simple occurance. We all thought he was recovering well from his heart surgery, but suddenly he took a turn for the worse and ended up crashing. They couldn't bring him back. It amazes me sometimes just how very thin that line between life and death can be.
Just a week ago, we were all just sitting around the table eating chinese food and laughing. I'll never forget Papa's request for his "last meal" before he went to the hospital. It was the Chinese dish called Happy Family. We never imagined it might be his last meal ever. But how fitting.....a happy family was his last request.
Everyone in the family was a basket case. I felt it necessary to step up and be a support person. I had to help pick out caskets and music and other crazy decisions I never even contemplated before. I even wrote and gave a speech at the funeral. I guess you could say I've had a good learning experience from all of this, but I'm tired.
I don't think I really cried at all until I got back home. I just didn't feel like I could - I had to be strong for everyone else. But now I'm tired. I don't even want to think. I have to go to the dentist next week and they are going to sedate me - and I'm looking forward to it! Who the hell looks forward to going to the dentist? I just want to numb my brain for a while though!
Honestly, what I really want is a warm body to curl up with. I want someone to take care of me for a little while. I want to go to sleep while "he" rubs my back and kisses my neck.
Being around all of these old couples this week made me see something that I didn't even realize I wanted. I would really like a real marriage, with real two-way love. Someone to do fun things with. Someone who will spoil me, but withough treating me like a trophy or a prize. Someone that I truly want to lie beside evernight. Someone that I am proud of, and who will push me to be someone I'm proud of also. Someone who my family loves, and who loves my family as well, despite their shortcomings. Someone who takes my worries away. Someone who's there for me in bad times like these.
I really didn't think this existed until I talked to my grandmother and some of the other couples this week. Some of them have been married for 50 and 60 years. And they are still happy. My own grandparents were married for almost 60 years and they looked like newlyweds up until the end. They held hands and kissed. He treated her like a princess, and she nearly worshipped him. My Marni is a tough lady, but I really don't know how she is going to function without him. I've been blessed to have known them. And I know that true love does exist, because I've seen it - it just might not be as perfect as I make it sound.
I just don't know how to find it. I don't know. I used to think marriage was like a job.....that if you studied on it and worked hard enough at it, you could make it work. But now I think there's more to it than that. Maybe years ago people were simpler and closer to God, so they were blessed with true love more often than we are today. Perhaps we are so preoccupied these days, that when God shows us true love, we don't listen - then we think we can go out there and create it on our own. But we can't accomplish much of anything without God. so I guess I'll just pray, and hope I'm listening when love speaks.

About a week later, I met the man who would become my true love.... and I WAS listening!!!

Perhaps it is human nature to desire to fit in, to belong. Its a lonely thing to have no one to relate to on any one subject - but especially religion, or better yet, spirituality. I think alot of us go wrong because we first find a religion, and then allow that religion to define our spiritual selves. Wouldn't it better to find your spiritual sense and beliefs - and then find a religion that you fit into. You wouldn't buy a car before investigating whether its features fit your needs. We're all so backwards that way - and on such an important issue. We deny our inner voices and rationale thought because we so greatly desire to be accepted, to be loved. Its easier to have reason handed to us, or explained away than to use reason.

So....what are my beliefs? Who am I - spiritually? Do I even know?

I believe in energy and positive thought and prayer and meditation. I believe that within limits, the power of faith can do almost anything. Whether that power comes from within one's self, or from a higher being, or from some force field, or from something else all together - I'm not sure.

I believe in enlightened people - profits, perhaps? I believe in Jesus Christ and Gautama Buddha and Confucius and others with whom I am probably not even familiar. I believe that a small handful of people have lived their lives to enhance ours. Somehow they have vision and knowledge and insight that the rest of us may or may not have. They are born leaders, with words and actions for us to learn from. I do not believe, at the risk of being an heretic, that any one man has all the answers. And everything we learn must be adapted to our own beliefs, values and situations. How are some more enlightened than others? I'm not sure. We all have different gifts, and some people are more gifted at some things than others - including spirituality. That's the patchwork of humanity.

Do I believe in an afterlife? Yes. This is difficult. No one knows the answer to this. No one has ever come back to tell us. People have had visions, and visits from angels, and conversations with "God." But we have NO proof of what happens when we die other that what happens to our physical bodies. I do believe that our spirits continue to "live." But in what realm? Do we exist for eternity in a heaven that we dreamed up? Because everyone's idea of heaven is different. My utopia surely isn't the same as that of a fifty year old man in Yonkers, NY. First of all mine would have pink clouds and unlimited ice cream. His would likely be blue with footlong conies - I joke! But really, how could we all go to the same heaven?

Maybe our brain sends us to a "nice place" as it is dying and that becomes eternity because it is the last thing we know. Perhaps our spirits become incorporated into other beings. Like Newton's first law, maybe all the spiritual beings on the earth have always been here and always will. Perhaps one man's entire spirit will become another man's spirit - reincarnation in its purest form. Or, perhaps parts of his spirit become incorporated into many life forms.

I believe in kindred spirits on a subconsious level. And I believe in striving for a higher spiritual level of fulfillment - like fulfilling a destiny or righting a wrong from a past life - on a subconsious level.

Do I believe in hell? Yes and no. I don't believe in a pit of fire and brimstone, and a man in tights with a pitchfork - but I do believe in hell. I believe our actions and thoughts create turmoil in our spirits. An inner hell. We can also create hell for others that they may or may not climb out of - at least not in this life. I believe that everything is a test. We are given tribulations as an educational tool. No pain, no gain - we either prosper or give up. Some tests, we are not meant to conquer, but we still pass because we have learned from it. Sometimes we even have to learn how to fail. Perhaps some tests take many lifetimes to pass. Half the battle is often knowing what you are being tested on.

Do I believe in "God" or a higher power? Yes, but what role does "he," or better yet, "she" play? Something is driving us and testing us and making the world go around. Something knows what will happen if xyz occurs or if abc occurs - and something knows whether I will choose xyz or abc. And something is leading me to make the better choice (though I may not listen.) But what is that "something?" I tend to think that it is something incorporated into each of our spirits. Maybe like a tiny microchip with all the world knowledge, but we can only access tiny glimpses into it. Like when we desperately need something and we pray and pray, perhaps we get a little closer to access. Perhaps its easier to access when we are of pure thought and focus all of our energy. Living a good, clean lifestyle leaves more room in your psyche for pure, higher thought. Call this "Christian living" or monastic life - its all the same. I think God is something individual to each of us - not a bearded man in a robe in the sky - but rather a spiritual level to strive for, and to be led by. And yes, it is easier to reach that higher level when your life is not muddied up by "sin." How can you have clear thoughts when your head is full of shame or guilt or stress.

Enlightenment, or spiritual maturation, or peace is an individual thing. Attainable only by each individual person. Perhaps the Christian logo "find God, find Peace" should be read "find Peace, find God."